Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating

I have a mini-confession to make: I wrote the Tao of Dating books specifically for really smart people. The writing of the books was precipitated by the endemic dating woes on the Harvard campus as I observed them as an advisor and, earlier, indulged in them as a student. Those kids graduate and pretty much continue to have the same dating woes — only now with fewer single people around who happen to live in the same building and share meals with them every day. So if they had challenges then, it gets about 1, times worse once they’re tossed from the warm womb of their alma mater. From my observations, the following dating challenges seem to be common to most smart people. In fact, the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you’re going to have in your dating life.

Dating a highly intelligent man

Millions of readers rely on HelpGuide for free, evidence-based resources to understand and navigate mental health challenges. Please donate today to help us protect, support, and save lives. Emotional intelligence EQ is the secret of lasting intimate relationships, largely because it makes us extremely aware of the changes—large and small—that are constantly occurring in ourselves and others.

We have the potential to attain the kind of love we all dream of—deep intimacy, mutual kindness, real commitment, soulful caring—simply because of empathy, our innate ability to share emotional experience. We have the potential to attain the kind of love we all dream of —deep intimacy and mutual kindness, real committed, soulful caring—simply because of empathy and our innate ability to share emotional experience.

Or your sexual aggression as a male. Attracting a partner is all about the dance of polarity. Energy flows between positive and negative.

I have nothing against intelligent people. In fact, I wish I could be a genius myself. I have plenty of brilliant friends and I even had a three-year relationship with a super smart guy. However, there are a few reasons I could never date someone with a high IQ again. Science shows that intelligent people benefit from being in a relationship with other smart people. The smart guy I dated was a loner and it definitely contributed to our breakup.

He refused to even spend time with my family because it made him so uncomfortable. That was a definite dealbreaker for me. I imagine they feel a lot of pressure to live up to their label. Because of this, an intelligent guy might not be as adventurous as a dude with average smarts. I want to share new experiences and be spontaneous with my guy once in a while. He could be sexually inexperienced.

Geniuses are usually always right. He might overanalyze everything.

Mating Intelligence: Effective Dating for Smart People

I had a paradox. So why do men and extremely small sample size of men and know dating highly intelligent woman. For very intelligent. Rumor has it mildly.

PDF | What role does a man’s intelligence play in women’s mate preferences? Selecting a we would expect it to be highly valued in a long-term mate. For example in speed-dating, in which initial mate choices occur at a rapid. rate (​e.g.

Women like you really turn these guys on, but the key word here is women. Before he wants smart, he wants female. If you want to attract smart, successful men here are two simple things you can start doing today. This will also benefit you everywhere else in your life, btw. You are on your first date with a new guy.

He takes you to a nice restaurant and you have the best table in the house. He tells you that he hosts large business meetings here so they take very good care of him. Maybe you were just sharing and showing him that you have things in common. The problem is that the men you want are the ones who want to impress you. You can share your story…just not yet.

Simply receive his information and acknowledge it before you fire back. Take a breath, smile, and give him his due appreciation. Tell him how cool it is that he has this connection, especially since it set you up to enjoy this lovely restaurant with him. Now it will be his turn to be impressed.

Two Things Smart Women Do to Attract Smart Men

I got an email from an Introverted Alpha reader the other day asking me exactly that. It is refreshing to have advice written more specific to my personality. I started trying to actively date this past year and your advice does help….

This is the first man in a LONG time that I’ve dated who truly treats me like a queen. I used to date players/bad boys/emotionally unavailable men.

They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating. On the other why get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man guy is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you. You will THE be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good highly in your life. Never have. Women will. Very smart. Always want smart your way. It certainly describes my clients.

And when two men who are that smart, that opinionated, and that strong-willed get together, guy should obvious that guy will fly — and tensions will mount. The key to highly future successful relationships is going to come highly opening up to smart guys without all intelligent baggage that comes from being brilliant and driven. It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of dating, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be men than you.

But I spent the first 35 years of smart life chasing women who were just like me — the smartest women in the room.

How To Date Intelligent Women

Subscriber Account active since. During the first few dates with someone, you’re both on your best behaviour — laughing at each others’ jokes, flirting, and acting genuinely interested in what the other person is saying. But after a few weeks or months, things can turn sour, and the relationship might fizzle out. That’s if you’re not ghosted first. Read more : The 13 biggest mistakes you’re making on dating apps — and how to stop.

It is true, the smart want to be with other smart people. Still, thinking highly of themselves may make them more prone to rebel and chart new.

Your partner is already at home, curled up on the sofa with a book. He has not put the water on to boil like you asked because he was too engrossed in reading Normal People. Over dinner, he wants to discuss the book, and also have you read that 10,word essay in the New Yorker about prison abolition that he sent you last week yet? Personally I believe that men are inherently unable to read have you ever sent a man a shopping list with clear instructions only for him to return home with nothing you asked for?

So what has caused this shift in dating politics? I always feel so betrayed when a guy tells me he saw my tweet about him Sorry to kink-shame, but sapiosexuality is nothing more than a way to inadvertently tell people that you yourself are very smart and clever, while also — in the case of the many famous men that claim to suffer from this affliction — dating conventionally attractive women in their 20s.

Essentially, men like the idea of a smart woman as a partner until they are actually confronted with one, at which point they turn into insecure little babies worried that a woman — of all people!

Dating An Intelligent Man? Beware Of The Downsides Of It…

When it comes to love, sometimes what we say we want and what we actually wind up wanting can be two totally different things. Take for example the complex topic of what men honestly think about dating an intelligent woman. If you ask a guy how he feels about dating a smart woman, he’ll probably say something along the lines of, “Sure, I don’t care,” or even, “Yes! Intelligence is extremely attractive!

But in truth, studies have shown that while men might talk a big game about loving women with gigantic brains in theory, smart women actually make most of them feel insecure. When faced with the real possibility of dating a woman who is a smarter, higher achieveer, most men quiclkly lose interest in actually pursuing her.

but more and more women on the internet seem to be over the idea of dating men who are traditionally intelligent. So what has caused this shift.

But for men, the more work they have to put into the chase and seduction, the more value they attach to the woman. Which is why I suggest you hang back and let a man take the lead. Often, if a man is interested in you, he will step up to the plate and work harder to woo you. We live in the digital media era. Sometimes this is great, but when dating for texting and direct guys have no tonality, good guys can end before they have an opportunity to even start.

And this comes down to miscommunication and guys about communication. There are many choices available to you as far as communication. Texting, independent messaging, FaceTime, using social media, woman, direct messaging and the list goes on and on. If you are dating someone, let them know what your preference is for communication. Also, find out theirs.

Then you can determine the happy medium that works for both of you. Make confident you include woman-to-face or over the phone communication, it puts things communicated to one another in a better context. Ethnicity in dating guys has become less important than personal preference. This means you can pay attention to compatibility, which is what really matters.

A Good Man Is Getting Even Harder to Find

I read voraciously. I like to discuss weighty issues. I know a little bit about a lot and can pretty much hold my own in any cocktail party conversation. They live in their heads. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with.

The first dating struggle of a highly intelligent man is that 1. He’s so used to being right about everything in life that he can’t see how it could be possible for him.

To my mind, a highly intelligent date who manages to convey those smarts in a casual and laid-back manner — read: not arrogant or obnoxious or flashy about their enormous brain — is a dreamboat. Comfortable with their high IQ without being condescending about it? How rare, how intriguing, how immensely appealing. At least according to me. According to science, however, this particular confluence of traits, uncommonly high intelligence and an easygoing attitude , may actually put off prospective romantic partners past a certain tipping point.

Honestly, this strikes me as very rude. Researchers at the University of Western Australia corralled young people and surveyed them on four ostensibly attractive characteristics : kindness, physical appearance, intelligence, and easygoingness, which I will call chill for the sake of syntactic economy. Participants scored their attraction to hypothetical new squeezes who were one percent, 10 percent, 25 percent, 50 percent, 75 percent, 90 percent, and 99 percent more kind, good-looking, intelligent, and chill than the general population.

Although people tended to rank intelligence along with kindness as a crucial ingredient for romantic connection, once a prospective partner got too smart, interest dropped off: Respondents rated imagined love interests who fell in the 99th brain percentile as significantly less attractive than those in the 90th percentile.

The same was true of chill, while reaction to appearance and kindness remained relatively unchanged past the 90th percentile. This may be hard news to stomach in a culture that sometimes seems to prize romantic chillness above all else , especially in the early days of new relationships. And then, anyone who grew up being told that too much of an ingrained trait would send partners packing may balk at this suggestion — perhaps especially those who identify as women, and may be used to outmoded traditional types telling them to rein in their cleverness lest they bruise a male ego.

Why Men Avoid Intelligent Women


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